Suicide Nightmare


Sadness permeates my being  and I don’t know why
Images of guns and brains flying
Leave me alone!
I don’t want you and I won’t do it!
I’m a good person and I want to live!
Please haunt me no more

“You don’t belong here,” a voice whispers
“You don’t fit”

“Worthless failure”

“Give up and give in”

Again and again

It’s time to win!

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4 thoughts on “Suicide Nightmare

  1. Why do these thoughts haunt us so much? Why do they try to take over and keep us from succeeding. It’s like there’s some force driving them harder and harder. No matter what you’re trying to accomplish, someone or something is trying to make you fail.

    There is NO reason for this image in my head. I get it whether I’m depressed or not, every time I slow down for a moment. I did some serious work last night, including this poem, to try to make this go away, and it helped long enough for me to get to sleep.

    I woke up in the middle of the night with my worst possible nightmare. I finally got back to sleep three hours later. This morning the images and worse are hitting me with a vengeance!

    I know it’s time for me to move on, time for a change, but until I can replace my income, there is no way for me to do so….but this thing, whatever it is, keeps trying to pull me down, hold me back. I literally breathing the publishing world right now, because I finally found something I have a passion for and might be able to make a career out of, no matter how difficult it may be, but this image, this feeling…it’s debilitating. It tries to make me think “why bother”.

    But if I don’t try…what else is there? A job I can’t stand with a schedule I can’t really keep up with? No, I need to press through the pain, the sadness and the doubt. I need a solution, and giving up isn’t a solution for me. I can’t sit back and let life happen. I have to make it happen! I have to change it. I have to take charge because if I don’t, nobody else will do it for me.

    1. Maybe a book with a character who suffers from these same nightly visits? When you look around the world of published authors, do you see yourself there? If not, why? Every single one of them at one time have felt the way you do, even if they are published. You’re human. I would consider this mroe of your creativity trying to steer you into another project–not necessarily depression. Sort of like a tarot reading–It’s not conclusive, or definite. It needs to be fine tuned. And as soon as I read this, I pictured it as part of a book. There will always be people who want you to fail, it somehow makes them superior. Even though, they’ve never accomplished a thing in their lifetime. It is the nature of the beast. I, however am my own worst enemy. I am not thick skinned and allow pricklies to skewer me. But, if I weren’t such a caring, empathic individual…who would I be? Take those nightmares and turn them into something to scare someone else. Don’t keep them to yourself where they will ferment and drive you crazy. Get rid of them. 🙂

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